Diary/29.11.06

I set the alarm for 8.30 and despite my getting out of bed 5 minutes earlier I couldnot reach school on time today.I missed the 9.40 bus and got into the next one.But even then I could have arrived at school on time,had not been there a standstill traffic delaying my journey.Ever since the traffic police have been put on duty at every junction of main thoroughfares,the traffic condition has gone from bad to worse.It's so disgusting.How do they allow those huge lorries to ply on the busy roads during the pick hours.Those darned trucks and mini autoes are majorly responsible for paralysing the traffic system causing trouble to office-goers.Wish those giant lorries and trucks could be forbidden to run during the busy hours of the day.It would have saved a lot of our precious time then.

Diary/3.11.06

Yesterday one of my colleagues' husband died of cancer.It is such a shocking news for us.He was detected with cancer just 15 days back and he died so soon without giving anyone chance for proper treatment.He was suffering from lungs cancer and no doctor could trace the reason of his suffering until the last moment when the cancer reached a terminal stage.In kolkata he went through checks up and he was being treated for spondilitis and was put on traction for months.Everyone thought that he had nerve problem so he underwent treatment under the observation of neurologists.It is when the condition aggravated he was taken to B'lore and there he was detected with cancer.It's such a shock that in Kolkata no doctor could find out that he had cancer and treated him for wrong diseases which might have ruined his physical state more.What is more painful is that the man was in his early 40s and he left a daughter of only 12 years only and a wife,too young to be a widow.My colleague became senseless when she heard the news of her husband's death.She is being kept on sedation since then.When her husband's body was brought home,she was forced into facing the most traumatic reality of her life.She was in a trance and dazed when she saw the cart carrrying her husband's dead body revved for cemetry and disappearing into the darkness of the night.Their 12 years old little girl stood firm and took her father's death in nonchalance.Her exam is going on at school and she skipped her exam to be with her father for the last time.Now she has turned into a stone with not a single drop of tear moistening her eyelids and my colleague is still on sedatives.......today in school when I heard of all such things I was feeling so down.I can feel the pain of how it feels when you lose the person dear to your heart all of a sudden.

PSEUDO-LOVE

Love is a word of fiction
which looks divine when read in a book
Love is more real than the reality
which shatters dreams
when shocks one into a ruthless coop .
Love is a reason of grief that breaks the hell loose
love is a problem breeding the source of all rues.

Love is a deadly virus which at times eats us alive
Love is like an oxygen that keeps our heart beat faster giving us life
Love is a hope giving us strength
love is a weakness making us wish for death.

love is one of the reasons for our laughter
love being love at the same time also causes our disaster
In the world full of automatons
True love is like a myth present in everyone's talks
but in real, love is a victim of all our cruel mocks.

True love is like the one that
existed between Heathcliff and Catherine
true love is like the one that
existed between Jack and Rose
showing us how love becomes immortal
inspite of life coming to a close.

But true love such immortalised
is present only in novels and movies
In this heartless real world
true love is as rare to be found as diamond and rubies.

............................Ashmita.

Diary/5.9.06

Today was teachers' day.I went to school quite decked up than usual.We had no class to take.It was all the girls who came streaming into the staff room one by one and touched our feet.Before joining school,I was never used to someone touching my feet for I m the youngest in my family.So their touching my feet was a matter of little discomfort for me.But anyway I told them to study well giving them all my blessings (hope my blessings will work) for a good prospering future.Then we distributed sweets among students going to each class.Students gifted me many things like flowers,showpieces,coffee mugs,pens etc.Later they held a function for us.It was a fusion of eastern and western performance.Recently in an interschool dance competition our school won the second prize and the students who performed the dance there performed it again for us.Feeling proud to say that those students belong to my class (I'm classteacher of xi B).It was just mindblowing.No doubt why they have bagged the 2nd prize.Then students did some plays and Sayoni (who is visually handicapped from birth and who yet surmounting all difficulties maintained the rank of first girl throughout in school and scored approximately 84% in Madhyamik and who has recently been awarded from Telegraph for her excellence) sang some songs.Again I'm proud to say that Sayoni too is in my class.Thereafter they performed some dance numbers and ended the programme with one such remarkable performance dancing with my favourite Rabindra sangeet 'jokhon porbe na more payer chinno ei raatey' .They made the dance sequence wonderfully.It was just amazing.We have some talented girls growing up in our school.After the end of the function they gave us foodpackets which contained delectable items like chilli chicken and lachcha porota.I enjoyed a lot today.Great day it was.

Diary/24.8.06

Feeling so sleepy now.Just dont feel like going to school today.Wish I could skip the day but since already I have taken too many CLs so one more might pose a problem later on when I shall really be in need of taking a day off...........Last night was really painful.I have started taking tranquilisers again.They have become my life now.

In Memory

Not a single day goes by
with your thoughts not crossing my mind ;
forcing me back into the memory lane
I have been trying to leave behind .
Not a single day goes by
when my eyes are not wet
recalling the hours we spent
in each other's presence ,
never thought those precious hours
would one day seem so haunting
in your absence.

With my hands in yours you feel 'blessed '
Wasn't that once what you said?
Never did I realise when those
became shackles,suffocating and rotten ,
making you hard to breathe and choke
Never did I realise I would turn into
a past tense for you to be left forgotten .

We promised once never to leave each other
I held firm in mine,only you forgetting yours
left me in a dungeon of despair .
I never dreamt you would be so
desperate to break free of me
that you would be blind to my tears
turning a deaf ear to my plea.

Sometimes I see you smiling in my dreams
and see myself losing in faint gleams .
I stretch my hands trying to reach you
But you disappear leaving me again in blue
A drop of tear rolling down my cheek
asks why my world seems so bleak?
Wish I could tell how it feels to live on
with your life from you forever gone .

..................Ashmita

Raging Flow

I cant bear the hatred flooding my mind
I cant bear the hatred raging me blind;
There is a torrent of virulence flowing inside
Wish someway or the other it does subside!

Selfishness is there crowding the world
Smearing it with dirts of their dirty soul,
Snatching the bliss of others
To satisfy and gratify their own bowl.
Selfishness cant see the tears
They cause to shed from others' eyes,
They cheer and celebrate
While others lie swamped in mournful dyes.

Selfishness is beyond redemption
But as nothing goes unpaid and without retribution,
Selfishness too will have to bend
Suffering the same amount of pain,
With this new dawn of realisation
That selfishness cannot obtain a perennial gain
And that everything bad and evil has to have an end.

.........................Ashmita.

Fear

My heart wants to burst out in violent eruption
Imploring to you in sheer desperation,
Why are you putting me through this pain?
Why are you keeping me under so much strain?

I can feel your love for me dying ;
I can foresee the future of this relationhip lying
Beneath the debris of our tattered dreams
Why dear,why you fail to hear my slient screams?

I know someone else is there in your heart,
I know why you ignore to feel my smart,
I know time has come for you to take leave from me,
I know this cruel mock of destiny I cant flee.

I know my home is going to topple
like the one made of cards ,
I know sitting amidst its shards
I will fall apart trying to grapple
With the remnants of what you left,
I know away from me
You will never gaze back to see
How I will become wrecked,torn and cleft.

I know my dread will come true
I know nothing I do will hold you
I know you will do what everyone else did
I know you will not stay no matter how I plead.


.........................Ashmita

[This one I composed in the month of October,2005]

Ruthless Play

I believed in every word you said,
Is this the way love gets paid?
My life was scattered like hell
I was riding on a wave to hit
the bottom,without leaving a trail !

Destined was I to bear the grunk of death,
You dropped from nowhere as an angel of faith !
Was it just a mirage in a barren desert?
Or a ploy to play with a broken heart !

For you it might have resulted in infinite gains
But for me,nothing but fathomless pains !
Lost I'm in a smoke of confusion
please save me,my eyes are all blank in illusion;

I loved you with all my heart
What peace did you get seeing me hurt?
Just demand you want me dead
I promise I won't let you know the end !


.............................Ashmita

Diary/9.8.06

Today was a day meant for brother and sister but my brother being away from me in Mumbai,I celebrated the day with my students.I received rakhis from them.Ours being a girls' school,students celebrate this occasion with teachers.There is a girl in class v.Her name is Paromita.She being very naughty and talkative always receives scoldings from me.I was taken aback when she came to me today wearing a coy expression and tied a rakhi on my hand.Then came Amrita into the staffroom.She had her pocket full of rakhis she has made herself.She tied one heartshaped on my wrist.I love teaching junior classes.They are so innocent and puerile.I love when they altercate between themselves and come to me complaining about each other.Then they become friends again keeping no grudge and giggle at things which appear meaningless to the eyes of grown ups like us.They laugh even when they get punishment or sometimes their eyes get wet in tears even at the slightest rebuke.

While going to school today,the bus I was in,in an attempt to overtake another bus ahead of it gave such a huge shocking jarking that I fell off from my seat and got hurt on my leg.These reckless drivers forget while driving on roads that they are playing with human lives in their racing spree.Wish they would have had little common sense.Then many fatal road accidents could have been averted.
I'm feeling fine finally after a 7 days dose of tranquilizers.But today in school talking to a colleague cum friend did really help.It made me realise about a truth of life that these days people are extremely selfish to care about others' feelings and some people's actions are always motivated by their own selfish gains.They just dont care what others are to go through for their whims and fancies and I'm not the one to have suffered due to such people.

A little girl,so bold

Little girl is she only of twelve years old
It is a wonder to see her fighting so bold
Good in studies,a student so smart
In any function of dance or drama
She will be the one to take always a part
She is witty,full of fun
managing to keep the class always on run

Regular in school,attentive in class
She is always to score marks with plus
Brilliant in everything she draws or paints
giving teachers not a single chance to complain

She is not an ordinary girl of twelve years old
She is invincible,she is bold
Showing us how to combat with ease
a killing,life-threatening disease
having gone through nine sessions of chemos
she gives inspiration and courage to the demos
How to stay happy even in the face of death
Living life fully to its last breath.

...................Ashmita

[This poem is dedicated to Amrita,my most favoruite student suffering from lukemia]

Diary/8.08.06

Today being no exception I received lots and lots of f'ship bands from my students.It seems f'ship day is not yet over for them.Every colleague of mine is entering the staffroom after class wearing colourful f'ship bands.Good,students have started considering us as their friends.During our school days,there was no such hype for celebrating f'ship day.Each and everyday was meant for friends.

Now I'm sitting in a cybercafe.Dont know what's wrong with the net connection at home.I think the net problem wont be solved until tomorrow.That means I am going to have a tough night tonight with all the bitter memories pouring in my mind and haunting me.I have got quite addicted to this bleak mechanical world called cyberspace.This cyberworld keeps my mind away from memories I dont want to brood on.Memories which make me feel morose and I spend a sleepless night.Addiction of any kind is very injurious to one's mental as well as physical health.Addiction to drugs or cigarettes or liqour,addiction to internet or chatting,addiction to talking on phone at night with a particular person,addiction to love and being loved all these things are very taxing.It makes a man dependent on things in the absence of which life seems intolerably empty and void.To get rid of one addiction,we fall into the addiction of another......Ha life is a strange cycle.It brings one to the same phase everytime.Not true always it is for everyone may be but for some it is the ultimate truth.

Diary/8.8.06

This Trojan virus is still dancing on the screen of my computer and disrupting the windows.God knows when I shall get rid of it.Only my brother can show me a way as it seems but before that I will receive a good thrashing from him for having the PC infected with virus.
Early this morning I'm feeling so dizzy and heavy in my head.My hands are also trembling a bit.It feels as if all my senses are benumbed for a while.Too much antidepressants disturb one's nerve system.....Hey gotta go now.School e jete hobe :(

Diary/7.8.06

It was a f'ship day yesterday and today one by one students came to tie f'ship bands on my wrist.Got a dozen of colourful f'ship bands.Last year too I got a dozen of them.It seems nice getting such small things from students as a token of their love.

Daily I travel in SD4 while going to school.Wherefrom I board on the bus,the bus remains empty then so I manage to get a seat but on its way it gets fully crowded with passangers.Daily a particular man I see boarding on the same bus and I find this rogue always standing behind some young gals and disturbing them.I give him sharp look and that man gets cautious but never refrains from his misdeed.At times I feel like raising my voice and protest but I dont involve myself cause those girl who are being disturbed should make a move and protest first.But I never saw any of them so far tonguelashing that rogue.They just bear with the harrassment silently or sometimes giving him a look show their discomfort.

This is where we women go wrong.We just silently bear with these things feeling scared to protest lest the rogues involved try to harm us later.Very recently when coming back from school I got into S31 and got a seat by the window in the portion reserved for ladies.It was afternoon and the bus was more or less empty.A man from nowhere came and sat beside me inspite of having so many general seats empty.I got alert.Being a woman myself I am used to such harrassments a woman has to face in a crowded conveyance and I can feel from the sight or gesture of any man who can be a pervert so I got alert before that man tried to make any advance towards me.I told that man that this is a ladies seat and that he should shift somewhere else.But he kept on sitting there wearing a typical innocent look.Then after sometime asusual he tried to touch me and I caught his hand and twisted it.Then I shouted at him telling him to shift somewhere else but that man still wore an innocent indifferent look as if nothing has happened.Finally when I persisted and made him feel that I would call the conductor and cause him trouble,he fled......So I feel that we should protest because our silence only encourages these thugs.When the things remain within the limit of being ignored,ignore it like I dont care or pay heed to the comments or remarks made at me by some louts or eveteasers on road but when it comes to physical harrassment,I dont think one should bear with it silently.

Silent words

Standing infront of my lonely window
Looking out at the firmament
The serenity and the beauty of the vast blue
Touches my soul with a melancholic hue

The whispering of the cool breeze
The rustling of the windy leaves
The silence of the moony night
Remind me of your being near,very near
Standing under the same sky somewhere
Breathing in the same air.

The distance is narrow,the widge being huge
The damaged kinship of ours
Lost its refuge.
Unheard sobs,unanswered prayers
Every sigh of mine went below the layers.

The longing to touch you for once grows high
when knowing you are there so nigh
Craving to hear you cramps my heart
I know,I know these vain desires of mine
are tearing me apart.

Gone away you into the shadows of past
Nothing could bring you alive from that smoky dust.

...................Ashmita

Diary/3.8.06

It was so hard for me today to keep my eyes open and take the class.I was dozing throughout the day.......these kids in school are so lucky to be going through the wonderful age of their lives.They are so full of life and hope,unaware of the intricacy and tragedy of life.They just remind me of my school days when I used to be like one of them answering to teacher's questions and obeying her words.When I didnt know what the future would unfold for me.Those were the days when I wanted to grow up soon.I felt that grown ups were so happy.They didnt need to do homeworks,they didnt need to study following a regular schedule,they didnt need to bear with the breathtaking hours of exams,they were not subjected to elders' scolding and punishment.They could do whatever they wanted.But alas! had I known then that childhood is the best part of one's life and that grown-ups have problems much more complicated and painstaking than the pain of facing exams or doing studies.That the punishment suffered in schools was better than the sufferings suffered when grown-up.
Nevertheless,all children are not so lucky to be unaware of the pain of life.There are many who have been exposed to pain.My favourite student is Amrita Paul.She studies in class seven now.When I joined school,she was in class six then.She was fat then.But oflate,she has swollen up.She has leukemia and at this age of 12 she has gone through 9 sessions of chemotherapy.Still she maintains to be a good and sincere student.Then there is one Debosree who has lost both of her parents and is being raised in her uncle's house.Then there is one (since I dont take her class I dont know her name) who has thalasemia.One girl has lost her mother when she was in six.Her mother collapsed in sudden stroke infront of her and her little sister aged 5 and both of them couldnot do anything except seeing their mother die.These are the few unfortunate children fighting the untimely predicament of their lives.They give me strength.

Diary/2.8.06

Couldnot sleep last night soundly.I'm not an insomniac but I have my mind teeming with some thoughts I wish I could run away from.I'm disturbed and feel extremely helpless when my heart overpowers my head.All rationales and reasonings are confounded then and make an inextricable labyrinth deep inside.
Today Science day is going to be celebrated in school.Classes will be held till 4th period.Then there will be a programme to celebrate the occassion.I have no idea what's going to happen there.I have plans to sleep cosily in the staffroom.Oh I have prayer duty today.That means I need to arrive at school 15 minutes before the time else I'll get my first redmark in this month.Phew! gotta go now.

My most favourite excerpt

These lines have been quoted from Wuthering Heights.......Heathcliff poured his heart out to Catherine just before her untimely death.

" You teach me how cruel you have been.........cruel and false.Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart Cathy?I have not one word of comfort.You deserve this.You have killed yourself.Yes,you may kiss me,and cry,and wring out my kisses and tears;they'll blight you...........they will damn you.You loved me.......then what right had you to leave me? What right...........answer me........for the poor fancy you feel for Linton? Because misery and degradation,and death,and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would,have parted us,you,of your own will,did it.I have not broken your heart............you have broken it ;and in breaking it you have broken mine.So much the worse that I'm strong.Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you............Oh,God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave? "

To God

To God I pray give me some peace
and help me get out of this painful abyss.

To God I pray give me some rest
I'm too tired to stand in your test.

To God I pray give me some light
and take me out of this tortuous plight.

To God I pray put a leash on my agitation
and show me the way to salvation.

To God I pray make me strong
and keep me from doing any wrong.

To God I pray cast me a ray of hope
I'm burning inside walking along this blazing rope.

To God I pray shape my life aright
and get me rid of these sleepless nights.

To God I pray take me to the land of oblivion
and help me forget all the hurtful affliction.

To God I pray drench me with a happy rain
let some flowers blossom in my life
so that I stop going insane
suffering the life's frightful strife.

...................Ashmita

Exam

Exam days are stressful and full of tension
Study being the only thing in mention.
Life becomes a living hell
poring over books day and night .
No play,no fun makes me feel
as if I'm cooped up in a jail ,
Wish I could get a reprieve
from this strenuous plight.

The pindrop silence of exam halls
sends a chill down my spine ,
The frightful ambience mixed with the pressure
of scoring high makes me go frayed and pine .
So unnerving is the peer-competition
my heart throbs in anxiety and palpitation.

'Lakshay' is released the preceding day
Buried beneath the heap of books
my desire of seeing it is a far-off
dream now to come into play .
I'm counting days for the exam to be over
when,free from tension and fright
I'll be back to being happy and gay forever.

.................Ashmita

[I wrote this one during my MA part 2 exam]

Diary/31.7.06

What a terrific day to end this month with.I reached school late as usual but unusually I got redmarked today.This month I have been redmarked twice and one more redmark would have snatched one CL of mine.But thankfully this being the last day of the month,new redmarks will be counted afresh from the next month i.e from tomorrow on.Hmmmm,I swear I'll be very punctual from tomorrow on.

Wrote this one very recently.

WHY?

Why stop someone who wants to go
Why emote yourself to someone who doesnt care to know
Why hold someone back if he wishes not to stay being yours.
cause love is an impossible thing to be bound by force

Why let your eyes well up in tears for one
who has left you emotionally sheerly undone?
Why suffer for one to whom you are of no value
whose utterance of each word of love was so very untrue.

Why spend sleepless nights for one
Who deserted you for someone else?
So what if he has stopped caring for you
Why dont you take little care for yourself?

Why let your heart twitch in pain?
Why let your heart cry in vain?
Why let your mind brood on your doleful past?
Why dont you bury the painful reminiscence under dust?

Why wail for one who betrayed his words
Who gave you only humiliation and insults as rewards
Who moved on in life pursuing his own selfish desires
leaving you alone to die,showing you neither tenderness nor cares.

Why fall into such frequent despairs for one
Who took pleasure in your pain
Who wanted to make you once insane
Who never glanced back
Who never tried to see
How you have turned into a wrack
Paying price for his playful glee!

Your life is precious,just like that of anyone else
You possess no right to ruin it
for some god damn selfish elves.

..........................Ashmita

My poems

HAUNTING MELODIES

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like a vagabond roaming about
nurturing the broken fragments of some shattered dreams

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like an agonised soul
brimming with some smothered screams

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like a tired cruiser
stranded in a lonely desert
with heart full of anxiety and on tiptoe

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like a poor famished begger
hallucinating about better tomorrows
that are to pull me out of all throes

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like an apparition in unrest
waiting for the peace of its soul

With traces of memories coming back in
my mind is like a cargoship carrying away
the burden of some broken promises
waiting for its deliverance from the pain of all unfulfilled

Sweet memories of once gripping
my heart now with fright and inexplicable anguish
wish,just wish I could get awaywith this pain so devilish

............Ashmita

I wrote this poem in 2004....

On Valentine's Day

Today morn as I opened my eyes,
The red sun greeted me on the rise,
February 14th being pointed by the ray,
Oh yes,ofcourse! Today is the valentine's day

The drowsiness shrugged off me since then,
I was confident of wishes and invitations from atleast ten!
Make ups and new dresses being the order of the day,
My killer looks are sure to raise some eyebrows along the way;

The day went by,casting shadows rising tall,
Expectations dripping low,I'm yet to receive any call!

Do you hear a ring? Atlast I rushed to see
A quality one rather than the generalised ten
were reasons enough for me to glee!

Disgusting ! it's for my bro,not for me,
Love! definitely not anymore my cup of tea!


.........Ashmita

My favourite quotes

It is the rule of this world that each person has what he doesn't want and other people have what he does want.Married men have wives and dont seem to want them and young single fellows cry out that they cannot get them.Poor people who can hardly keep themselves have eight hearty children.Rich old couples with no one to leave their money to,die childless.......... Jerome K.Jerome.

We mortals,men and women,devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time,keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips,and in answer to inquiries say, "Oh,nothing!". Pride helps us, and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts.......not to hurt others.........G.Eliot:Middlemarch.

I used to be so dreamy about a man's love as a girl and think that for good or evil love must be the great thing.But is has not been ; it has itself been a dream............E.M.Forster:Howards End.

"The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. They spell it so abominably that no man can teach himself what it sounds like.".......G.B. Shaw

"There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic." ......Diane Setterfield

" People disappear when they die. Their voice, their laughter, the warmth of their breath. Their flesh. Eventually their bones. All living memory of them ceases. This is both dreadful and natural. "....Diane Setterfield.

 

My profile

Name : Gomratherium
DOB : 21st March

Favourites:

Dish : Anything delectable
Drink : Fruit juice or liqour depending on the occassion and mood
Dress : Anything that I look good in and feel comfortable wearing
Colour(s) : Blue,Pink and Yellow
Actor(s) : Amitabh,Aamir,Shahrukh
Actress(s) : Rani Mukherjee
Singer(s) : Kishore Kumar,Sonu Nigam,Asha Bhosle,Lata,Sreya Ghoshal,Alka Yagnik,Sunidhi Chouhan
Writer(s) : Jane Austen,Charlotte Bronte,Jeoffrey Archer,Yann Martel,Chetan Bhagat,Taslima Nasrin and many more.
Hobby : reading,listening to music,watching movies,net surfing.

Personal :

Happiest Moment in life : yet to come.
Weakness : I can't see anyone crying.
Precious Possessions: My values,my family and friends.
Things I find disgusting in others : hypocrisy,ostentation,pride.
Definition of a true friend : Someone who stands by you giving you support in your time of crisis.
Objects which I always carry : My cellphone and a purse.
Greatest Fear of my life : to wake up and not see my family around.