Diary/24.8.06

Feeling so sleepy now.Just dont feel like going to school today.Wish I could skip the day but since already I have taken too many CLs so one more might pose a problem later on when I shall really be in need of taking a day off...........Last night was really painful.I have started taking tranquilisers again.They have become my life now.

In Memory

Not a single day goes by
with your thoughts not crossing my mind ;
forcing me back into the memory lane
I have been trying to leave behind .
Not a single day goes by
when my eyes are not wet
recalling the hours we spent
in each other's presence ,
never thought those precious hours
would one day seem so haunting
in your absence.

With my hands in yours you feel 'blessed '
Wasn't that once what you said?
Never did I realise when those
became shackles,suffocating and rotten ,
making you hard to breathe and choke
Never did I realise I would turn into
a past tense for you to be left forgotten .

We promised once never to leave each other
I held firm in mine,only you forgetting yours
left me in a dungeon of despair .
I never dreamt you would be so
desperate to break free of me
that you would be blind to my tears
turning a deaf ear to my plea.

Sometimes I see you smiling in my dreams
and see myself losing in faint gleams .
I stretch my hands trying to reach you
But you disappear leaving me again in blue
A drop of tear rolling down my cheek
asks why my world seems so bleak?
Wish I could tell how it feels to live on
with your life from you forever gone .

..................Ashmita

Raging Flow

I cant bear the hatred flooding my mind
I cant bear the hatred raging me blind;
There is a torrent of virulence flowing inside
Wish someway or the other it does subside!

Selfishness is there crowding the world
Smearing it with dirts of their dirty soul,
Snatching the bliss of others
To satisfy and gratify their own bowl.
Selfishness cant see the tears
They cause to shed from others' eyes,
They cheer and celebrate
While others lie swamped in mournful dyes.

Selfishness is beyond redemption
But as nothing goes unpaid and without retribution,
Selfishness too will have to bend
Suffering the same amount of pain,
With this new dawn of realisation
That selfishness cannot obtain a perennial gain
And that everything bad and evil has to have an end.

.........................Ashmita.

Fear

My heart wants to burst out in violent eruption
Imploring to you in sheer desperation,
Why are you putting me through this pain?
Why are you keeping me under so much strain?

I can feel your love for me dying ;
I can foresee the future of this relationhip lying
Beneath the debris of our tattered dreams
Why dear,why you fail to hear my slient screams?

I know someone else is there in your heart,
I know why you ignore to feel my smart,
I know time has come for you to take leave from me,
I know this cruel mock of destiny I cant flee.

I know my home is going to topple
like the one made of cards ,
I know sitting amidst its shards
I will fall apart trying to grapple
With the remnants of what you left,
I know away from me
You will never gaze back to see
How I will become wrecked,torn and cleft.

I know my dread will come true
I know nothing I do will hold you
I know you will do what everyone else did
I know you will not stay no matter how I plead.


.........................Ashmita

[This one I composed in the month of October,2005]

Ruthless Play

I believed in every word you said,
Is this the way love gets paid?
My life was scattered like hell
I was riding on a wave to hit
the bottom,without leaving a trail !

Destined was I to bear the grunk of death,
You dropped from nowhere as an angel of faith !
Was it just a mirage in a barren desert?
Or a ploy to play with a broken heart !

For you it might have resulted in infinite gains
But for me,nothing but fathomless pains !
Lost I'm in a smoke of confusion
please save me,my eyes are all blank in illusion;

I loved you with all my heart
What peace did you get seeing me hurt?
Just demand you want me dead
I promise I won't let you know the end !


.............................Ashmita

Diary/9.8.06

Today was a day meant for brother and sister but my brother being away from me in Mumbai,I celebrated the day with my students.I received rakhis from them.Ours being a girls' school,students celebrate this occasion with teachers.There is a girl in class v.Her name is Paromita.She being very naughty and talkative always receives scoldings from me.I was taken aback when she came to me today wearing a coy expression and tied a rakhi on my hand.Then came Amrita into the staffroom.She had her pocket full of rakhis she has made herself.She tied one heartshaped on my wrist.I love teaching junior classes.They are so innocent and puerile.I love when they altercate between themselves and come to me complaining about each other.Then they become friends again keeping no grudge and giggle at things which appear meaningless to the eyes of grown ups like us.They laugh even when they get punishment or sometimes their eyes get wet in tears even at the slightest rebuke.

While going to school today,the bus I was in,in an attempt to overtake another bus ahead of it gave such a huge shocking jarking that I fell off from my seat and got hurt on my leg.These reckless drivers forget while driving on roads that they are playing with human lives in their racing spree.Wish they would have had little common sense.Then many fatal road accidents could have been averted.
I'm feeling fine finally after a 7 days dose of tranquilizers.But today in school talking to a colleague cum friend did really help.It made me realise about a truth of life that these days people are extremely selfish to care about others' feelings and some people's actions are always motivated by their own selfish gains.They just dont care what others are to go through for their whims and fancies and I'm not the one to have suffered due to such people.

A little girl,so bold

Little girl is she only of twelve years old
It is a wonder to see her fighting so bold
Good in studies,a student so smart
In any function of dance or drama
She will be the one to take always a part
She is witty,full of fun
managing to keep the class always on run

Regular in school,attentive in class
She is always to score marks with plus
Brilliant in everything she draws or paints
giving teachers not a single chance to complain

She is not an ordinary girl of twelve years old
She is invincible,she is bold
Showing us how to combat with ease
a killing,life-threatening disease
having gone through nine sessions of chemos
she gives inspiration and courage to the demos
How to stay happy even in the face of death
Living life fully to its last breath.

...................Ashmita

[This poem is dedicated to Amrita,my most favoruite student suffering from lukemia]

Diary/8.08.06

Today being no exception I received lots and lots of f'ship bands from my students.It seems f'ship day is not yet over for them.Every colleague of mine is entering the staffroom after class wearing colourful f'ship bands.Good,students have started considering us as their friends.During our school days,there was no such hype for celebrating f'ship day.Each and everyday was meant for friends.

Now I'm sitting in a cybercafe.Dont know what's wrong with the net connection at home.I think the net problem wont be solved until tomorrow.That means I am going to have a tough night tonight with all the bitter memories pouring in my mind and haunting me.I have got quite addicted to this bleak mechanical world called cyberspace.This cyberworld keeps my mind away from memories I dont want to brood on.Memories which make me feel morose and I spend a sleepless night.Addiction of any kind is very injurious to one's mental as well as physical health.Addiction to drugs or cigarettes or liqour,addiction to internet or chatting,addiction to talking on phone at night with a particular person,addiction to love and being loved all these things are very taxing.It makes a man dependent on things in the absence of which life seems intolerably empty and void.To get rid of one addiction,we fall into the addiction of another......Ha life is a strange cycle.It brings one to the same phase everytime.Not true always it is for everyone may be but for some it is the ultimate truth.

Diary/8.8.06

This Trojan virus is still dancing on the screen of my computer and disrupting the windows.God knows when I shall get rid of it.Only my brother can show me a way as it seems but before that I will receive a good thrashing from him for having the PC infected with virus.
Early this morning I'm feeling so dizzy and heavy in my head.My hands are also trembling a bit.It feels as if all my senses are benumbed for a while.Too much antidepressants disturb one's nerve system.....Hey gotta go now.School e jete hobe :(

Diary/7.8.06

It was a f'ship day yesterday and today one by one students came to tie f'ship bands on my wrist.Got a dozen of colourful f'ship bands.Last year too I got a dozen of them.It seems nice getting such small things from students as a token of their love.

Daily I travel in SD4 while going to school.Wherefrom I board on the bus,the bus remains empty then so I manage to get a seat but on its way it gets fully crowded with passangers.Daily a particular man I see boarding on the same bus and I find this rogue always standing behind some young gals and disturbing them.I give him sharp look and that man gets cautious but never refrains from his misdeed.At times I feel like raising my voice and protest but I dont involve myself cause those girl who are being disturbed should make a move and protest first.But I never saw any of them so far tonguelashing that rogue.They just bear with the harrassment silently or sometimes giving him a look show their discomfort.

This is where we women go wrong.We just silently bear with these things feeling scared to protest lest the rogues involved try to harm us later.Very recently when coming back from school I got into S31 and got a seat by the window in the portion reserved for ladies.It was afternoon and the bus was more or less empty.A man from nowhere came and sat beside me inspite of having so many general seats empty.I got alert.Being a woman myself I am used to such harrassments a woman has to face in a crowded conveyance and I can feel from the sight or gesture of any man who can be a pervert so I got alert before that man tried to make any advance towards me.I told that man that this is a ladies seat and that he should shift somewhere else.But he kept on sitting there wearing a typical innocent look.Then after sometime asusual he tried to touch me and I caught his hand and twisted it.Then I shouted at him telling him to shift somewhere else but that man still wore an innocent indifferent look as if nothing has happened.Finally when I persisted and made him feel that I would call the conductor and cause him trouble,he fled......So I feel that we should protest because our silence only encourages these thugs.When the things remain within the limit of being ignored,ignore it like I dont care or pay heed to the comments or remarks made at me by some louts or eveteasers on road but when it comes to physical harrassment,I dont think one should bear with it silently.

Silent words

Standing infront of my lonely window
Looking out at the firmament
The serenity and the beauty of the vast blue
Touches my soul with a melancholic hue

The whispering of the cool breeze
The rustling of the windy leaves
The silence of the moony night
Remind me of your being near,very near
Standing under the same sky somewhere
Breathing in the same air.

The distance is narrow,the widge being huge
The damaged kinship of ours
Lost its refuge.
Unheard sobs,unanswered prayers
Every sigh of mine went below the layers.

The longing to touch you for once grows high
when knowing you are there so nigh
Craving to hear you cramps my heart
I know,I know these vain desires of mine
are tearing me apart.

Gone away you into the shadows of past
Nothing could bring you alive from that smoky dust.

...................Ashmita

Diary/3.8.06

It was so hard for me today to keep my eyes open and take the class.I was dozing throughout the day.......these kids in school are so lucky to be going through the wonderful age of their lives.They are so full of life and hope,unaware of the intricacy and tragedy of life.They just remind me of my school days when I used to be like one of them answering to teacher's questions and obeying her words.When I didnt know what the future would unfold for me.Those were the days when I wanted to grow up soon.I felt that grown ups were so happy.They didnt need to do homeworks,they didnt need to study following a regular schedule,they didnt need to bear with the breathtaking hours of exams,they were not subjected to elders' scolding and punishment.They could do whatever they wanted.But alas! had I known then that childhood is the best part of one's life and that grown-ups have problems much more complicated and painstaking than the pain of facing exams or doing studies.That the punishment suffered in schools was better than the sufferings suffered when grown-up.
Nevertheless,all children are not so lucky to be unaware of the pain of life.There are many who have been exposed to pain.My favourite student is Amrita Paul.She studies in class seven now.When I joined school,she was in class six then.She was fat then.But oflate,she has swollen up.She has leukemia and at this age of 12 she has gone through 9 sessions of chemotherapy.Still she maintains to be a good and sincere student.Then there is one Debosree who has lost both of her parents and is being raised in her uncle's house.Then there is one (since I dont take her class I dont know her name) who has thalasemia.One girl has lost her mother when she was in six.Her mother collapsed in sudden stroke infront of her and her little sister aged 5 and both of them couldnot do anything except seeing their mother die.These are the few unfortunate children fighting the untimely predicament of their lives.They give me strength.

Diary/2.8.06

Couldnot sleep last night soundly.I'm not an insomniac but I have my mind teeming with some thoughts I wish I could run away from.I'm disturbed and feel extremely helpless when my heart overpowers my head.All rationales and reasonings are confounded then and make an inextricable labyrinth deep inside.
Today Science day is going to be celebrated in school.Classes will be held till 4th period.Then there will be a programme to celebrate the occassion.I have no idea what's going to happen there.I have plans to sleep cosily in the staffroom.Oh I have prayer duty today.That means I need to arrive at school 15 minutes before the time else I'll get my first redmark in this month.Phew! gotta go now.

My most favourite excerpt

These lines have been quoted from Wuthering Heights.......Heathcliff poured his heart out to Catherine just before her untimely death.

" You teach me how cruel you have been.........cruel and false.Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart Cathy?I have not one word of comfort.You deserve this.You have killed yourself.Yes,you may kiss me,and cry,and wring out my kisses and tears;they'll blight you...........they will damn you.You loved me.......then what right had you to leave me? What right...........answer me........for the poor fancy you feel for Linton? Because misery and degradation,and death,and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would,have parted us,you,of your own will,did it.I have not broken your heart............you have broken it ;and in breaking it you have broken mine.So much the worse that I'm strong.Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you............Oh,God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave? "

To God

To God I pray give me some peace
and help me get out of this painful abyss.

To God I pray give me some rest
I'm too tired to stand in your test.

To God I pray give me some light
and take me out of this tortuous plight.

To God I pray put a leash on my agitation
and show me the way to salvation.

To God I pray make me strong
and keep me from doing any wrong.

To God I pray cast me a ray of hope
I'm burning inside walking along this blazing rope.

To God I pray shape my life aright
and get me rid of these sleepless nights.

To God I pray take me to the land of oblivion
and help me forget all the hurtful affliction.

To God I pray drench me with a happy rain
let some flowers blossom in my life
so that I stop going insane
suffering the life's frightful strife.

...................Ashmita

Exam

Exam days are stressful and full of tension
Study being the only thing in mention.
Life becomes a living hell
poring over books day and night .
No play,no fun makes me feel
as if I'm cooped up in a jail ,
Wish I could get a reprieve
from this strenuous plight.

The pindrop silence of exam halls
sends a chill down my spine ,
The frightful ambience mixed with the pressure
of scoring high makes me go frayed and pine .
So unnerving is the peer-competition
my heart throbs in anxiety and palpitation.

'Lakshay' is released the preceding day
Buried beneath the heap of books
my desire of seeing it is a far-off
dream now to come into play .
I'm counting days for the exam to be over
when,free from tension and fright
I'll be back to being happy and gay forever.

.................Ashmita

[I wrote this one during my MA part 2 exam]