Diary/16.7.08

It's been a long time since I have not penned anything in my blog. My life after marriage has got so busy leaving me almost no time to nurture my passion.There are so many things I would like to talk about but am confused as to where to start from.Fine, lets go back to Pune where I have spent the initial three months of my marriage.For a girl like me who has hardly stepped out of her hometown, Pune is an exotic place to begin a new chapter of her life with. It has been the first place after Kolkata where I have stayed for days. (months actually.)Coming from a congested overpopulated city like Kolkata, I was missing the hustle bustle and the din of traffic of Kolkata in Pune extremely. However, it only took me a while to fall in love with the peace and serenity of Pune.Spending some wonderful moments with Deb there is also one of the many reasons of my fondness with that place.

Besides that, for the first time in my life I was living thousand miles away from my parents, without their protective shelter.Being the yougest child I never had to shoulder any responsibilty ever. Always either there were my parents or my siblings to rescue me or support me whenever the need arose. But I never realized how carefree my life was before marriage until I got married.Before I got married, I never bothered to know what was being cooked at home or who was cooking or if the maid was absent or how my mother tackled all the household chores in the absence of the maid and such other petty common issues which are inevitably and invisibly present in our lives and the burden of which we only realize once the onus is incurred by us.If on one hand, the joy of freedom and independence was unbound;on the other hand, the insecurity of staying in Pune all alone on our own with nobody to ask for help given a critical situation was paramount. By nature, I am not good at taking initiative to strike up a conversation with a stranger and thus forming an acquaintance. Obviosuly, this was a definite problem living out of station when the number of known people were limited. One day one such incident happened that intensified the everpresent sense of insecurity in me. Deb cut his finger with a knife. It is his restless nature that prompts him to break things every now and then. That he is prone to accident is a revelation to me only after marriage.He wanted to pull a wire for the Sify connection through the kitchen window, and so he jumped on the kitchen cabinet. When dragging the wire that was dangling from the roof through the kitchen window, he completely overlooked the set of knives which were placed on the windowsill.I was cooking and before I could object or react to anything, he slipped and brushed against the window. The knives got scatterd here and there and one of them flew and threw itself directly into his palm (it just missed his vein by fraction of an inch). The knife made a deep gash in his palm and he started bleeding profusely. I have never seen such large drops of blood oozing out of anyone's hand in my life. I am scared of blood.More than that I cant see anyone bleeding and that too my own husband whom I got married to not even a fortnight before. I was left shocked and completely disoriented as about what to do or what not. I dearly yearned for my parents or my didi dada to come and help me but in vain. They were miles away from me :(


Added to our misery, it was Sunday when almost every medical centre remains closed in Pune.It was my first Sunday and the second day of my stay in Pune and I was supposed to watch 'Om Shanti Om' in the evening of that fateful day. Thanks to Deb, I was standing there completely pale, as if someone drained blood out of my face. The blood-dipped floor brought a feeling of nausea to my tongue.Perhaps I appeared the worst wife possible at that time. Instead of trying to alleviate my husband's pain and looking for any emergency first-aid treatment, I stood there perplexed.Deb acted coolly. He didn't wince in pain and kept his face unperturbed as if nothing happened.He went to a nearby drug store and the compounder applying some balm stopped the bleeding somehow. However, coming back home when Deb tried to fold his palm for eating the lunch, it started bleeding again from his wound and that was the first time I saw how bad the cut was.The knife might have gone three inches deep into his palm leaving a deep gash there. It needed immidiate stitching and the blood wont stop without the required medical attention.Bloods were everywhere....on our bed, on our pillows, on the floor and on the platter of food.We rushed together without wasting any more time (and blood ofcourse) in search of a hospital or nursing home. The nearby clinic was closed but luckily there a lady informed us of a small nursing home which she said 'might remain open'.We headed straight there. It would have been better if the rest of the story could be heard right from the horse's mouth (read the culprit's mouth) i.e Deb because waiting outside the doctor's chamber I could only hear him yelling in pain when his wound was being stitched without any anaesthetic.However, his wound got fully healed after a few days, thanks to the dose of antibiotics and I learnt two things from this incident.....1) always to keep some first aid equipments stored at home and 2) and to keep all sharp-edged appliances away from Deb.

[To be continued]

18.9.2007

It has been a fortnight since the mother loitering about our garden with her only child had been ruthlessly killed.Yes I know when I shall reveal that mother was not a human being but was from an ignored canine race, my sentiments for the dog will be subjected to a ridicule by many of you who are insensitive themselves towards animals and for whom being emotional for dogs,cats or any other insignificant life according to their lexicon is an exaggeration of sentimental expression.That might be the reason why it has been possible for a mob to exert all their strength in killing a sick dog which might have been cured had it been taken to a doctor.We remain mute onlookers when we see a conductor kicking a helpless lady out of the bus.We dont react even when we see reckless bus drivers roaming scot free even after mowing down many under their killing wheels.Our stoicism is exhibited in many occasions of our witnessing such criminal activities silently.But our imminent danger only came from a dog which bit a few losing its mind in the dogs' months (mating season) and we reacted quite vigorously by killing it off.Probably we could kill it because it was a hapless,defenceless dog which couldnot combat for its life with us.
My poem is dedicated to that stray dog which grew on streets and which took shelter in our garden for last two years of its life.

A Petty thing

Motionless she lay there in the dust.
Her mouth open and stained,
Eyes blank,showing signs of pain
Bruised body bore imprints of torture ,
As if she was battered
Till her breath lasts.

There she lay lifeless amid the maddening crowd.
Crowd ecstatic at her fall,
Crowd that took charge in her lynch.
She was mad after all,
She had to be killed.

Her life had no value as ours have
She was an orphan after all
She had to be killed.
She was not taken to a doctor,
She was not taken for cure.
She was just washed off this earth,
She being a filthy piece of dirt
Fell prey to our wrath.

We inhumans remain at large
Even after all bloodbaths
Triggered in the name of religion,community.
And only she had to be killed
for she was violent,lunatic,
not worth a life amidst humanity.
She was a petty bitch after all
She had to be killed.

Ashmita

DAWN

Meeting you was an experience
I would nourish,
Being with you was a gift
I would cherish.
Talking to you was a delight
I miss everyday,
Laughing with you was a joy
I could never repay.
Crying with you was sane,
Crying for you was a pain,
Cried by you was a bane.

But still living with the fragments
You left me with.
Fragments of love,trust
begot the entirety of distrust.
Fragments of mind and heart
tried to pull me apart.
But still living with the lesson
you taught me at the end
that selfishness is just
when it comes to some gain.

I'm happy in a way
Happy for I got a new life
with the person I might
not love the way I did you;
But the amount of love
now I receive
being thousand times more
than you could ever give
makes up for all my mental blues.

Still looking out of the window
when I behold the weary sky,
I feel my life would have been no much better
had you been in my life.
Now I'm gonna live my dream
I dreamt with you,
with someone else;
But I'm happy in way
For the person in my life now
is there to stay.

I'll set upon a new voyage,Soon.
With new hope,new joy
But with no new dreams anymore.
Nothing hurts more than the dreams
scattered about in shreds on the floor.
I wish to sail on this voyage in God's name
I wish to hear Him say 'Amen'.

Ashmita.

Diary/2.2.2007

At last I finished perusing 'My Feudal Lord'.I like the way Tehmina struggled herself out of the domination of a sadist monster and evolved into a steadfast forthright rebellious person who dared bare her personal life infront of all breaking the convention of silence.She admitted the wrongs she did on others and she also revealed the wrong done on her.Days after days the woman who tolerated being battered savagely by her husband at the smallest reasons atlast mustered enough courage and determination to retort sharp replies on her husband's face and rebelled against him.It was a mammoth transformation for a woman who grew up feeling insecure and unwanted always and whose childhood days were mostly spent in making attempts to gain love and approval for her actions from her domineering mother.It was shocking that her parents were fully supportive towards her spoilt youngest sister Adila who indulged herself in adultery with none other than her own brother in law i.e Tehmina's philandering husband and broke her marriage.But they didnt give a helping hand towards Tehmina.Instead they disowned her severing all ties with her especially after her autobiography came into market.How can parents be so biased and partial in treatment of their own children?We think that we sould do whatever our parents say because they can never think ill for our future but aren't there such parents like Tehmina's who are more concerned for their social status than to succor their helpless children? They force their daughters into continuing a bad marriage taking away all supports from her.Is a daughter just a burden on her parents' shoulder which they want to get rid of somehow ? Many parents possess this notion that after giving marriage to their daughters they hold no further responsibilty towards her.It's her sole responsibility to sustain the marriage even if it sucks her life into an unfathomable well of mental anguish.Parents also have their favourite children whom they are very biased of and in order to administer partial treatment to their favourite wards they do injustice to the rest.In some families the discrimination between a boy child and girl child is so immense that the parents' discriminating mentalilty cripples the neglected and oppressed child's mental growth.They grow up feeling confused and develop over a period of time a huge inferiority complex.They suffer from a lack of confidence and self-esteem which hinders the growth of their personality.

Diary/8.1.2007

As if it was not enough to make us suffer a season of five bandhs in last 22 days last year that at the dawn of this year too we are slapped with another bandh of 24 hours.I wonder if the political parties get their desired results out of these frequently summoning of strikes.Strikes should be used as a weapon of last resort but strikes are losing the power of its message through such inconsiderate,rampant misuse of it.They are also disrupting the normal course of human lives thereby exciting a feeling of exasperation in common people.The majority don't support strike but it is being imposed on us forcing us to pass a day idly.The protesting parties dont think of the inconvenience suffered by common mass.Thousands of people are there who earn their square meals through a day's hardwork.Strikes steal their right to earn.If a person falls seriously ill during strike,his family members face several impediments to administer him proper medical care.Does any protesting party or the ruling government think for once of these inconveniences? They don't.Today I didnt go to school taking a peril on my life.If the bus I travel in is bombcharged and I lose my limbs then neither government nor any party will come to see me.So it's better that I sacrifice my CLs instead of endangering my life.But truly I'm feeling sick of these strikes now.Time is ripe enough for the political powers to be conscious of what the common people want and I think someday we common onlookers and silent sufferers of this bane should call strike to say no to strike.

Diary/29.11.06

I set the alarm for 8.30 and despite my getting out of bed 5 minutes earlier I couldnot reach school on time today.I missed the 9.40 bus and got into the next one.But even then I could have arrived at school on time,had not been there a standstill traffic delaying my journey.Ever since the traffic police have been put on duty at every junction of main thoroughfares,the traffic condition has gone from bad to worse.It's so disgusting.How do they allow those huge lorries to ply on the busy roads during the pick hours.Those darned trucks and mini autoes are majorly responsible for paralysing the traffic system causing trouble to office-goers.Wish those giant lorries and trucks could be forbidden to run during the busy hours of the day.It would have saved a lot of our precious time then.

Diary/3.11.06

Yesterday one of my colleagues' husband died of cancer.It is such a shocking news for us.He was detected with cancer just 15 days back and he died so soon without giving anyone chance for proper treatment.He was suffering from lungs cancer and no doctor could trace the reason of his suffering until the last moment when the cancer reached a terminal stage.In kolkata he went through checks up and he was being treated for spondilitis and was put on traction for months.Everyone thought that he had nerve problem so he underwent treatment under the observation of neurologists.It is when the condition aggravated he was taken to B'lore and there he was detected with cancer.It's such a shock that in Kolkata no doctor could find out that he had cancer and treated him for wrong diseases which might have ruined his physical state more.What is more painful is that the man was in his early 40s and he left a daughter of only 12 years only and a wife,too young to be a widow.My colleague became senseless when she heard the news of her husband's death.She is being kept on sedation since then.When her husband's body was brought home,she was forced into facing the most traumatic reality of her life.She was in a trance and dazed when she saw the cart carrrying her husband's dead body revved for cemetry and disappearing into the darkness of the night.Their 12 years old little girl stood firm and took her father's death in nonchalance.Her exam is going on at school and she skipped her exam to be with her father for the last time.Now she has turned into a stone with not a single drop of tear moistening her eyelids and my colleague is still on sedatives.......today in school when I heard of all such things I was feeling so down.I can feel the pain of how it feels when you lose the person dear to your heart all of a sudden.

PSEUDO-LOVE

Love is a word of fiction
which looks divine when read in a book
Love is more real than the reality
which shatters dreams
when shocks one into a ruthless coop .
Love is a reason of grief that breaks the hell loose
love is a problem breeding the source of all rues.

Love is a deadly virus which at times eats us alive
Love is like an oxygen that keeps our heart beat faster giving us life
Love is a hope giving us strength
love is a weakness making us wish for death.

love is one of the reasons for our laughter
love being love at the same time also causes our disaster
In the world full of automatons
True love is like a myth present in everyone's talks
but in real, love is a victim of all our cruel mocks.

True love is like the one that
existed between Heathcliff and Catherine
true love is like the one that
existed between Jack and Rose
showing us how love becomes immortal
inspite of life coming to a close.

But true love such immortalised
is present only in novels and movies
In this heartless real world
true love is as rare to be found as diamond and rubies.

............................Ashmita.

Diary/5.9.06

Today was teachers' day.I went to school quite decked up than usual.We had no class to take.It was all the girls who came streaming into the staff room one by one and touched our feet.Before joining school,I was never used to someone touching my feet for I m the youngest in my family.So their touching my feet was a matter of little discomfort for me.But anyway I told them to study well giving them all my blessings (hope my blessings will work) for a good prospering future.Then we distributed sweets among students going to each class.Students gifted me many things like flowers,showpieces,coffee mugs,pens etc.Later they held a function for us.It was a fusion of eastern and western performance.Recently in an interschool dance competition our school won the second prize and the students who performed the dance there performed it again for us.Feeling proud to say that those students belong to my class (I'm classteacher of xi B).It was just mindblowing.No doubt why they have bagged the 2nd prize.Then students did some plays and Sayoni (who is visually handicapped from birth and who yet surmounting all difficulties maintained the rank of first girl throughout in school and scored approximately 84% in Madhyamik and who has recently been awarded from Telegraph for her excellence) sang some songs.Again I'm proud to say that Sayoni too is in my class.Thereafter they performed some dance numbers and ended the programme with one such remarkable performance dancing with my favourite Rabindra sangeet 'jokhon porbe na more payer chinno ei raatey' .They made the dance sequence wonderfully.It was just amazing.We have some talented girls growing up in our school.After the end of the function they gave us foodpackets which contained delectable items like chilli chicken and lachcha porota.I enjoyed a lot today.Great day it was.

Diary/24.8.06

Feeling so sleepy now.Just dont feel like going to school today.Wish I could skip the day but since already I have taken too many CLs so one more might pose a problem later on when I shall really be in need of taking a day off...........Last night was really painful.I have started taking tranquilisers again.They have become my life now.

In Memory

Not a single day goes by
with your thoughts not crossing my mind ;
forcing me back into the memory lane
I have been trying to leave behind .
Not a single day goes by
when my eyes are not wet
recalling the hours we spent
in each other's presence ,
never thought those precious hours
would one day seem so haunting
in your absence.

With my hands in yours you feel 'blessed '
Wasn't that once what you said?
Never did I realise when those
became shackles,suffocating and rotten ,
making you hard to breathe and choke
Never did I realise I would turn into
a past tense for you to be left forgotten .

We promised once never to leave each other
I held firm in mine,only you forgetting yours
left me in a dungeon of despair .
I never dreamt you would be so
desperate to break free of me
that you would be blind to my tears
turning a deaf ear to my plea.

Sometimes I see you smiling in my dreams
and see myself losing in faint gleams .
I stretch my hands trying to reach you
But you disappear leaving me again in blue
A drop of tear rolling down my cheek
asks why my world seems so bleak?
Wish I could tell how it feels to live on
with your life from you forever gone .

..................Ashmita

Raging Flow

I cant bear the hatred flooding my mind
I cant bear the hatred raging me blind;
There is a torrent of virulence flowing inside
Wish someway or the other it does subside!

Selfishness is there crowding the world
Smearing it with dirts of their dirty soul,
Snatching the bliss of others
To satisfy and gratify their own bowl.
Selfishness cant see the tears
They cause to shed from others' eyes,
They cheer and celebrate
While others lie swamped in mournful dyes.

Selfishness is beyond redemption
But as nothing goes unpaid and without retribution,
Selfishness too will have to bend
Suffering the same amount of pain,
With this new dawn of realisation
That selfishness cannot obtain a perennial gain
And that everything bad and evil has to have an end.

.........................Ashmita.

Fear

My heart wants to burst out in violent eruption
Imploring to you in sheer desperation,
Why are you putting me through this pain?
Why are you keeping me under so much strain?

I can feel your love for me dying ;
I can foresee the future of this relationhip lying
Beneath the debris of our tattered dreams
Why dear,why you fail to hear my slient screams?

I know someone else is there in your heart,
I know why you ignore to feel my smart,
I know time has come for you to take leave from me,
I know this cruel mock of destiny I cant flee.

I know my home is going to topple
like the one made of cards ,
I know sitting amidst its shards
I will fall apart trying to grapple
With the remnants of what you left,
I know away from me
You will never gaze back to see
How I will become wrecked,torn and cleft.

I know my dread will come true
I know nothing I do will hold you
I know you will do what everyone else did
I know you will not stay no matter how I plead.


.........................Ashmita

[This one I composed in the month of October,2005]

Ruthless Play

I believed in every word you said,
Is this the way love gets paid?
My life was scattered like hell
I was riding on a wave to hit
the bottom,without leaving a trail !

Destined was I to bear the grunk of death,
You dropped from nowhere as an angel of faith !
Was it just a mirage in a barren desert?
Or a ploy to play with a broken heart !

For you it might have resulted in infinite gains
But for me,nothing but fathomless pains !
Lost I'm in a smoke of confusion
please save me,my eyes are all blank in illusion;

I loved you with all my heart
What peace did you get seeing me hurt?
Just demand you want me dead
I promise I won't let you know the end !


.............................Ashmita

Diary/9.8.06

Today was a day meant for brother and sister but my brother being away from me in Mumbai,I celebrated the day with my students.I received rakhis from them.Ours being a girls' school,students celebrate this occasion with teachers.There is a girl in class v.Her name is Paromita.She being very naughty and talkative always receives scoldings from me.I was taken aback when she came to me today wearing a coy expression and tied a rakhi on my hand.Then came Amrita into the staffroom.She had her pocket full of rakhis she has made herself.She tied one heartshaped on my wrist.I love teaching junior classes.They are so innocent and puerile.I love when they altercate between themselves and come to me complaining about each other.Then they become friends again keeping no grudge and giggle at things which appear meaningless to the eyes of grown ups like us.They laugh even when they get punishment or sometimes their eyes get wet in tears even at the slightest rebuke.

While going to school today,the bus I was in,in an attempt to overtake another bus ahead of it gave such a huge shocking jarking that I fell off from my seat and got hurt on my leg.These reckless drivers forget while driving on roads that they are playing with human lives in their racing spree.Wish they would have had little common sense.Then many fatal road accidents could have been averted.
I'm feeling fine finally after a 7 days dose of tranquilizers.But today in school talking to a colleague cum friend did really help.It made me realise about a truth of life that these days people are extremely selfish to care about others' feelings and some people's actions are always motivated by their own selfish gains.They just dont care what others are to go through for their whims and fancies and I'm not the one to have suffered due to such people.

A little girl,so bold

Little girl is she only of twelve years old
It is a wonder to see her fighting so bold
Good in studies,a student so smart
In any function of dance or drama
She will be the one to take always a part
She is witty,full of fun
managing to keep the class always on run

Regular in school,attentive in class
She is always to score marks with plus
Brilliant in everything she draws or paints
giving teachers not a single chance to complain

She is not an ordinary girl of twelve years old
She is invincible,she is bold
Showing us how to combat with ease
a killing,life-threatening disease
having gone through nine sessions of chemos
she gives inspiration and courage to the demos
How to stay happy even in the face of death
Living life fully to its last breath.

...................Ashmita

[This poem is dedicated to Amrita,my most favoruite student suffering from lukemia]

Diary/8.08.06

Today being no exception I received lots and lots of f'ship bands from my students.It seems f'ship day is not yet over for them.Every colleague of mine is entering the staffroom after class wearing colourful f'ship bands.Good,students have started considering us as their friends.During our school days,there was no such hype for celebrating f'ship day.Each and everyday was meant for friends.

Now I'm sitting in a cybercafe.Dont know what's wrong with the net connection at home.I think the net problem wont be solved until tomorrow.That means I am going to have a tough night tonight with all the bitter memories pouring in my mind and haunting me.I have got quite addicted to this bleak mechanical world called cyberspace.This cyberworld keeps my mind away from memories I dont want to brood on.Memories which make me feel morose and I spend a sleepless night.Addiction of any kind is very injurious to one's mental as well as physical health.Addiction to drugs or cigarettes or liqour,addiction to internet or chatting,addiction to talking on phone at night with a particular person,addiction to love and being loved all these things are very taxing.It makes a man dependent on things in the absence of which life seems intolerably empty and void.To get rid of one addiction,we fall into the addiction of another......Ha life is a strange cycle.It brings one to the same phase everytime.Not true always it is for everyone may be but for some it is the ultimate truth.

Diary/8.8.06

This Trojan virus is still dancing on the screen of my computer and disrupting the windows.God knows when I shall get rid of it.Only my brother can show me a way as it seems but before that I will receive a good thrashing from him for having the PC infected with virus.
Early this morning I'm feeling so dizzy and heavy in my head.My hands are also trembling a bit.It feels as if all my senses are benumbed for a while.Too much antidepressants disturb one's nerve system.....Hey gotta go now.School e jete hobe :(

Diary/7.8.06

It was a f'ship day yesterday and today one by one students came to tie f'ship bands on my wrist.Got a dozen of colourful f'ship bands.Last year too I got a dozen of them.It seems nice getting such small things from students as a token of their love.

Daily I travel in SD4 while going to school.Wherefrom I board on the bus,the bus remains empty then so I manage to get a seat but on its way it gets fully crowded with passangers.Daily a particular man I see boarding on the same bus and I find this rogue always standing behind some young gals and disturbing them.I give him sharp look and that man gets cautious but never refrains from his misdeed.At times I feel like raising my voice and protest but I dont involve myself cause those girl who are being disturbed should make a move and protest first.But I never saw any of them so far tonguelashing that rogue.They just bear with the harrassment silently or sometimes giving him a look show their discomfort.

This is where we women go wrong.We just silently bear with these things feeling scared to protest lest the rogues involved try to harm us later.Very recently when coming back from school I got into S31 and got a seat by the window in the portion reserved for ladies.It was afternoon and the bus was more or less empty.A man from nowhere came and sat beside me inspite of having so many general seats empty.I got alert.Being a woman myself I am used to such harrassments a woman has to face in a crowded conveyance and I can feel from the sight or gesture of any man who can be a pervert so I got alert before that man tried to make any advance towards me.I told that man that this is a ladies seat and that he should shift somewhere else.But he kept on sitting there wearing a typical innocent look.Then after sometime asusual he tried to touch me and I caught his hand and twisted it.Then I shouted at him telling him to shift somewhere else but that man still wore an innocent indifferent look as if nothing has happened.Finally when I persisted and made him feel that I would call the conductor and cause him trouble,he fled......So I feel that we should protest because our silence only encourages these thugs.When the things remain within the limit of being ignored,ignore it like I dont care or pay heed to the comments or remarks made at me by some louts or eveteasers on road but when it comes to physical harrassment,I dont think one should bear with it silently.

Silent words

Standing infront of my lonely window
Looking out at the firmament
The serenity and the beauty of the vast blue
Touches my soul with a melancholic hue

The whispering of the cool breeze
The rustling of the windy leaves
The silence of the moony night
Remind me of your being near,very near
Standing under the same sky somewhere
Breathing in the same air.

The distance is narrow,the widge being huge
The damaged kinship of ours
Lost its refuge.
Unheard sobs,unanswered prayers
Every sigh of mine went below the layers.

The longing to touch you for once grows high
when knowing you are there so nigh
Craving to hear you cramps my heart
I know,I know these vain desires of mine
are tearing me apart.

Gone away you into the shadows of past
Nothing could bring you alive from that smoky dust.

...................Ashmita